The Legendary Chicago Sports Moustaches

6 Feb 2012

Chicago was named 2011′s Most Moustache Friendly City in America. Civilians across Chicagoland can grow as much facial hair as their follicles support, now with less ridicule than ever.

If you’re a fan of Chicago sports, you may be aware of the amazing string of championships rung up by moustachioed coaches and managers. The last nine major sports championships won by Chicago teams were helmed with lip fuzz.

Exactly how much better are moustachioed managers? The breakdown since 1980, when moustaches emerged regularly:

Team


Bulls

545-193 W-L
.738 pct
Postseasons: 9 (100%)
Championships: 6
792-1006 W-L
.440 pct
Postseasons: 12 (52%)
Championships: 0

Blackhawks

370-294 W-L
.557 pct
Postseasons: 8 (80%)
Championships: 1
721-728 W-L
.498 pct
Postseasons: 13 (62%)
Championships: 0

Bears

146-118 W-L
.553 pct
Postseasons: 8 (47%)
Championships: 1
119-121 W-L
.496 pct
Postseasons: 4 (27%)
Championships: 0

White Sox

1151-1067 W-L
.519 pct
Postseasons: 3 (21%)
Championships: 1
1447-1391 W-L
.510 pct
Postseasons: 2 (11%)
Championships: 0

Cubs

569-619 W-L
.479 pct
Postseasons: 1 (11%)
Championships: 0
1859-2018 W-L
.479 pct
Postseasons: 5 (21%)
Championships: 0

City Total

1980-2011

2781-2291 W-L
.548 pct
Postseasons: 29 (33%)
Championships: 9
4875-5264 W-L
.480 pct
Postseasons: 25 (26%)
Championships: 0

Every team has performed better when led by moustache. The exception are the Cubs who do equally poorly in any condition, but they have Billy Goat, Black Cat, Vance Law, Steve Bartman and a whole bunch of other curses to offset the magic of the moustache.

While it’s obvious from the numbers that Moustaches are Moneyball v2.0, take a look how every Chicago sports champion did it:

Champion Team Coach/Manager Moustache?

2010 Blackhawks
Joel Quenneville
The Walrus

2005 White Sox
Ozzie Guillen
The Swamp Otter

1998 Bulls
Phil Jackson
Coiffed Beard

1997 Bulls
Phil Jackson
The Italian Plumber
plus Soul Patch

1996 Bulls
Phil Jackson
The Chevron

1993 Bulls
Phil Jackson
The Lampshade

1992 Bulls
Phil Jackson
The Selleck

1991 Bulls
Phil Jackson
The State Trooper

1985 Bears
Mike Ditka
Hurricane Ditka

1963 Bears
George Halas
Clean

1961 Blackhawks
Rudy Pilous
Clean

1946 Bears
George Halas
Clean

1943 Bears
Hunk Anderson
and Luke Johnsos
Clean

1941 Bears
George Halas
Clean

1940 Bears
George Halas
Clean

1938 Blackhawks
Bill Stewart
Clean

1934 Blackhawks
Tommy Gorman
Clean

1933 Bears
George Halas
Clean

1920 Staleys
George Halas
Clean

1917 White Sox
Pants Rowland
Clean

1908 Cubs
Frank Chance
Clean

1907 Cubs
Frank Chance
Clean

1906 White Sox
Fielder Jones
Clean

And for fun, the top 50 Chicago teams since 1980:

Year Team Record Pct. Postseason Coach/Manager Hair Stache?
1985 Bears 15-1 0.938 Won Super Bowl Mike Ditka Moustache
1996 Bulls 72-10 0.878 Won NBA Championship Phil Jackson Moustache
1986 Bears 14-2 0.875 Lost Quarterfinals Mike Ditka Moustache
1997 Bulls 69-13 0.841 Won NBA Championship Phil Jackson Moustache
1992 Bulls 67-15 0.817 Won NBA Championship Phil Jackson Moustache
2001 Bears 13-3 0.812 Lost Quarterfinals Dick Jauron Clean
2006 Bears 13-3 0.812 Lost Super Bowl Lovey Smith Clean
1998 Bulls 62-20 0.756 Won NBA Championship Phil Jackson Beard
2011 Bulls 62-20 0.756 Lost Eastern Conference Finals Tim Thibodeau Clean
1988 Bears 12-4 0.750 Lost NFC Conference Championship Mike Ditka Moustache
1991 Bulls 61-21 0.744 Won NBA Championship Phil Jackson Moustache
1987 Bears 11-4 0.733 Lost Quarterfinals Mike Ditka Moustache
2010 Blackhawks 52-22 0.703 Won Stanley Cup Finals Joel Quenneville Moustache
1993 Bulls 57-25 0.695 Won NBA Championship Phil Jackson Moustache
1990 Bears 11-5 0.688 Lost Quarterfinals Mike Ditka Moustache
1991 Bears 11-5 0.688 Lost Wildcard in Playoffs Mike Ditka Moustache
2005 Bears 11-5 0.688 Lost Quarterfinals Lovey Smith Clean
2010 Bears 11-5 0.688 Lost NFC Conference Championship Lovey Smith Clean
1991 Blackhawks 49-23-8 0.681 Lost NHL Division Semi-Finals Mike Keenan Moustache
1983 Blackhawks
1990 Bulls 55-27 0.671 Lost Eastern Conference Finals Phil Jackson Moustache
1994 Bulls 55-27 0.671 Lost Eastern Conference Semifinals Phil Jackson Moustache
2009 Blackhawks 46-24 0.657 Lost NHL Conference Finals Denis Savard, Joel Quenneville Clean, Moustache
1993 Blackhawks 47-25-12 0.653 Lost NHL Division Semi-Finals Darryl Sutter Clean
1984 Bears 10-6 0.625 Lost NFC Conference Championship Mike Ditka Moustache
2005 White Sox 99-63 0.611 Won World Series Ozzie Guillen Goatee
1983 White Sox 99-63 0.611 Lost ALCS Tony LaRussa Clean
1988 Bulls 50-32 0.610 Lost Eastern Conference Semifinals Doug Collins Clean
2002 Blackhawks 41-27-13 0.603 Lost NHL Conference Quarter-Finals Brian Sutter Clean
2011 Blackhawks 44-29 0.603 Lost NHL Conference Quarter-Finals Joel Quenneville Moustache
2008 Cubs 97-64 0.602 Lost NLDS Lou Piniella Clean
2007 Bulls 49-33 0.598 Lost Eastern Conference Semifinals Scott Skiles Clean
1984 Cubs 96-65 0.596 Lost NLCS Jim Frey Clean
1994 White Sox 67-46 0.593 Missed Playoffs Gene Lamont Clean
1996 Blackhawks 40-28-14 0.588 Lost NHL Conference Semi-Finals Craig Hartsburg Clean
2000 White Sox 95-67 0.586 Lost LDS Jerry Manuel Moustache
1990 White Sox 94-68 0.580 Missed Playoffs Jeff Torborg Clean
1993 White Sox 94-68 0.580 Lost ALCS Gene Lamont Clean
1989 Cubs 93-69 0.574 Lost NLCS Don Zimmer Clean
1989 Bulls 47-35 0.573 Lost Eastern Conference Finals Doug Collins Clean
1995 Bulls 47-35 0.573 Lost Eastern Conference Semifinals Phil Jackson Moustache
2005 Bulls 47-35 0.573 Lost Eastern Conference First Round Scott Skiles Clean
1995 Bears 9-7 0.562 Missed Playoffs Dave Wannstedt Moustache
2008 Bears 9-7 0.562 Missed Playoffs Lovey Smith Clean
1994 Bears 9-7 0.562 Lost Quarterfinals Dave Wannstedt Moustache
1995 Blackhawks 24-19-5 0.558 Lost NHL Conference Finals Darryl Sutter Clean
2006 White Sox 90-72 0.556 Missed Playoffs Ozzie Guillen Goatee
1990 Blackhawks 41-33-6 0.554 Lost NHL Conference Finals Mike Keenan Moustache
1992 Blackhawks 36-29-15 0.554 Lost Stanley Cup Finals Mike Keenan Moustache
1998 Cubs 90-73 0.552 Lost LDS Jim Riggleman Clean
2004 Cubs 89-73 0.549 Missed Playoffs Dusty Baker Moustache

If Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer want to start winning, an obvious solution would be to hand over the 2012 Cubs to ex-Cub Warren Brusstar, but understandably there’s a transition phase.

blog comments powered by Disqus